Ask Xantar #6

Dear Xantar,

I never thought I’d ask anyone or myself this question, but I must, and you seem to be the right person to answer it (Editor’s note: remember that this letter was originally sent to Dear Prudence at Slate who probably is actually a good person to address this question to. The same probably could not be said for me). I’m a 57-year-old gorgeous professional blonde woman, with lots of brains and also many plastic surgeries. To begin, I got a beautiful full C cup breast augmentation, later I acquired lovely rounded buttocks implants and at 56 I had a partial facelift that left my face looking as young as I feel, which borders on forty. My students at school think I look in my twenties and everyone thinks I look super sexy and natural. Sure, only my doctors and close relatives know the truth! The problem is after my second divorce, I’ve become timid and insecure about actually having sex with a new man because I don’t know what I would say, if they asked why I had all these surgeries. Now after getting so many added assets to the many natural ones I myself used to have, has made me feel too perfect to be true or artificially beautiful, which might be interpreted as being superficial or insecure. Why is it that becoming the physical person I always wanted to be, without flaws, still leaves me feeling unhappy and scared?? Please, help me understand the problem I’m confronting because somehow finding the solution escapes me.

Oh come on, don’t be shy. Tell us how stunningly sexy and attractive you really are. I couldn’t tell from your letter alone. We’re going to need a fuller description of just how perky your boob job is.

All right seriously now. I know you’re not reading any answers to your question (whether from me or from Prudence) because you really just wanted to write in and brag about how pretty you are. But just in case you actually do care about the reply to your question, please allow me to inform you that you are utterly delusional. No student in school thinks their teacher looks like she’s 20 years old, even if she really is 20 years old. To them, she is a person of authority in conservative clothing (oh boy do I hope you’re covering up in school) who enforces rules on them. Which means, in other words, “old.”

And this is setting aside the fact that no woman who has had that many cosmetic surgeries is ever going to look young or too perfect to be true. At best, she’ll look plastic. At worst, she’ll be garish and awful. And she will always look pathetic.

You’ve got major neuroses. You may even have a mental disorder. The fact that you think physical beauty should automatically lead to some kind of happiness certainly shows that you’re none too bright. You need to step away from the mirror and go see a therapist.

Dear Xantar,

My girlfriend and I had an exclusive relationship for about two and a half years until last week. She’s nice, but I wouldn’t want to marry her or anything. We’re in our twenties. Anyway, I told her last week that we should start seeing other people. I meant other people in addition to each other. I didn’t want to stop seeing her entirely. She knew what I meant, but she said that if we start dating other people, she doesn’t want to be physically intimate with me anymore. That got me really angry, and we had a big fight. It wouldn’t bother me to be physically intimate with her while I dated other girls, so why should it bother her? How can I make her see how foolish she’s being?

You know, I’ve been getting kind of tired of dealing with letters that make women look bad. It’s kind of a relief to have one that makes the man look like a jerkwad for a change. So in that sense, I ought to thank you for adding some variety to my column.

I really wish I had a video recording of your conversation with your girlfriend. “Hey babe, I know we’ve been dating for a while, but I don’t really want to marry you or anything. I want to find other girls and have sex with them. But I still want to date and have sex with you while I’m playing the field. I’ll let you have boyfriends on the side, too. What do you say?”

Actually you know what, I’d like to talk to your girlfriend for a second. In private, please. Tell her to come over here and read this screen. Ok, now go to the other room for a second. No really, this is just for your girlfriend’s eyes. Don’t worry, I won’t try to have sex with her or anything. It’s cool. Just step away for five minutes.

Is he gone? Ok, so hey, how’s it going? Your boyfriend is a jackass, huh? I have a couple ideas for things you can do before you break up with him, but there’s only one that I can think of that would be legal and still worth doing. What you need to do is go get a guy and bring him to meet your boyfriend. This guy should either be gay or very open-minded and confident in himself (you’ll understand in a second). Now tell your boyfriend that you’ve thought it over and have found another man to date (namely, the new guy you’ve just brought in to this meeting). And tell your boyfriend that since he’s been so kind and considerate in opening up your sex life, you feel it’s only fair that he should get to have sex with your new boyfriend, too. And when he balks, ask him what’s wrong. After all, it wouldn’t bother you to be physically intimate with this guy while he’s also being physically intimate with your boyfriend.

And then after he’s broken up with you and you’re about to leave, kick him in the balls. Ok, that’s not actually legal. But damnit, sometimes you just have to do things for the good of humanity.